The difference between fiction and reality...

if you're sleeping, are you dreaming? if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?

2008-10-10T02:19:00.000-07:00

It's 4:30am.

I can not sleep.

I am very tired.

But yet I can not sleep.

I have many things on my mind.

And I'm afraid I have already expressed too much.

But the one thing on my mind right now,

I wish you were here with me.

Broken down, all alone I haven’t seen the sun For so many days clinging to the promise Of a mountain top But right now, Lord I’d settle for some rain

2008-09-06T00:40:00.000-07:00

Sweep my away
By Your great love
Cover my life in Your holy flood
Let the currents of change
Come and carry away
All of my questions, my doubt, and my pain
Deliver my life from this valley, I pray
Sweep me away

There’s a blessing in the valley
I cry out in faith
But my mind begins to wonder
If I’ll ever see that day
I know that seasons are expected
But Winter leads to Spring
So I will thank You in the middle of everything
Thank You in everything

I guess this has been my prayer lately to cry out in faith, faith that this valley I'm in will end. My life has been so lifeless lately. Given the fact that I haven't blogged in over a month keeps you all out of the loop so you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I hate when I know something in my life needs to change I know what it is and I don't do anything about it because I let life get in the way. Full time at school, part-time at work, RLSS President, friend, roommate, daughter, sister, so many roles to play and still many more I should but I don't make time for the most important relationship, my relationship with Christ. I should use this term loosely lately given the fact that I barely break open my bible more than once a week and I never devote time in prayer maybe just here and there throughout my week. I hate that everytime I start to read something in the bible I get so discouraged because I don't feel like I understand it and I blame it on growing up catholic and never learning bible basics. That is not an excuse. In fact that's an absolutely horrible excuse. Jimmy let me borrow some of his commentary when I started to read Job and I loved having it. But when he needed it back my reading stopped. That's pathetic. I always get to this point where I know that I have bad excuses for stopping reading and I don't want to pick it back up because I always stop again. Fear of failure? That's what it sounds like but where did this come from? I have never thought I was the kind of person to fear to fail.

Within this last year I feel like I have changed so much and learned much more about myself. I have learned to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me. I have learned that even though I do follow my dreams and where God leads me the people around me that I proud of me I do everything not to disappoint them, even if it means taking on too much. I don't necessarily feel like I have taken on too much I just am not handling the stress as well because my walk is so far off right now. I need to schedule a time. I know this. I just don't do it. I need to write it in my daily schedule to read. I need to add in exercising too.

Things at work have been only so so. I have had alot of problems with my boss's boss. I feel like she is out to get me. That's silly because the world doesn't revolve around me but this lady wow. ergh. The communication in my department can be terrible and the training I received sucks. I learn as I go so much and normally that would be fine but with policies, rules, and regulations, and even expectations I feel that I should have been better trained not learning as I go because it doesn't look good and it makes everyone's life more complicated. Besides those things she is just crazy and should be fired. Many things have happened at work to really open my eyes lately. Example: 3 kids were in the gameroom on a Saturday a couple weeks ago and the 2 older ones decided they were going to beat the crap out of the 11 year old kid, hitting his head on the ping pong table then kicking him while he was on the ground. This landed the kid in the ambulance to the ER. It was a beautiful thing God showed me that day though. When I was driving to the hospital to check on the kid I saw a rainbow. I told the parents that I new everything was going to be okay because I saw the rainbow. The mom practically cried because when he was a baby she said he had to be care flighted to another hospital for surgery and on the way there the older sister saw a rainbow and said "mom look a rainbow everything is going to be okay" and it was then and that day in the hospital. He made it out okay with a few bruises outside and inside. I have seen him only once since that day because he is too scared to come up there. What kind of people beat a kid up for no good reason and just run? I don't understand. I have been thankful that the neighborhood has gotten so much better from the stories I hear but when things like this happen my heart breaks and I am reminded why I am there and why I love those people.

School is going to be good this semester. My classes are only so so. Psyc is what is going to suck the most with law closely following. I'm so use to fun rec classes that just lectures are so boring to me! RLSS is going good so far this year I think. We have had 2 officer meetings with all the officers and 1 member meeting. I can't wait to get that off the and running smoothly and hopefully I will continue to learn to delegate.

Mom is getting her back surgery. yay! I think. She is going to schedule it for January before I go back to school. The doctor will remove her bottom disk and fuse two together. I pray that she makes out with no problems so many things can go wrong especially with her the doctors never know what expect. She will be in recovery for 5 days and then a brace for 6-8 weeks and therapy for 6-8 weeks with a total recovery time of a year. bummer. I really hope it takes her out of some of her pain. I hate seeing her like this.

Sean and Rachel's baby is due November 6th. I'll be an aunt to a beautiful baby girl. They have no name picked out yet which is fine but driving mom crazy cause she's making everything and anything and can't put names on it. I can't wait to visit Wisconsin. It should be an interesting trip for sure.

Volleyball starts on Monday. I am so excited about that! I hope I don't mess up too badly, or at all.

Well, that's all for now I have a long day tomorrow.

Until next time...

Good Night

and

Good Luck

It's the end of the world as we know it...

2008-08-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's time to move on...

When you think you have your life back in order and everything is going just fine, you're moving on, things shake up again. You start to remember the good ole days, you remember the way you felt when they looked at you from across the room, you remember throwing you head back and laughing until it hurts, their smell, their smile, the way they did things that drove you absolutely crazy but you loved so much, everything...but then one day you realize it just hurts to much to hold on...to hope for something that isn't going to change...and when that day comes we must move on.

And in the heavens and in my heart You created a mountain and You set a spark that grew into a flame, that burns deeply for You...

2008-07-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

Overwhelm me take me from this place and put me in the place where You are...

Overwhelm me shake the ground stand I want to be dependent on You...

It's been awhile I know...not very good at this thing...

You know when you go to church and the sermon is exactly what you need to hear. Yes, you probably always need to hear what the sermon is but when it truly seems like the pastor is talking directly to you...those are good days.

Beau today was talking about our city, loving our city, doing life with our city. He talked about figuring out how your vocation can help you love the city and give you opportunities to spread the gospel. It was more than encouraging it reminded me why I do what I do.

There is a Martin Luther King Jr. quote that says this

"Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love."

I have this up at work to remind me everyday that it doesn't matter if I am white or black, or if I have a degree, or if I speak eloquently, it doesn't matter how I look or where I by my clothes, these things don't matter what matters is that I have the passion and the heart to serve these people and to love on them. Sometimes I feel that I am at a disadvantage because I work for the city. It is difficult to separate church and state when you want to share the gospel. There are days when I want to spend more time with the kids outside of work, hang out with them, give them a ride somewhere, but I can't. Too much of a liability I am told. I understand and I am the first to say I don't want to be sued for anything untrue but I want to find ways and opportunities to show them I want to love them not just because I am being paid to do it. Because in all honesty, I am not being paid to love them. I being paid to provide programs for them and bring money into the center that's the bottom line.

Ben Chessman spoke on the little video thing before church. How encouraging it is to me that he is going to go live in the middle of these people you know nothing about the Lord and love them. He is going to go minister to this group of Muslims because he has faith and believes that the Lord will do mighty things there.

Tonight my prayer is that I am shown encouragement in many places that I am given opportunities to love and share and to provide for these people. I pray that they trust me and that they give me the chance to love them. I pray for their hearts.

But if you only have love for your own race,Then you only leave space to discriminate,And to discriminate only generates hate

2008-06-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile but I've been busy....

This might be a touchy subject for some so if you think you might be offended move on...

I work in a place where I am the only girl and the only white person. You wouldn't think this is a big deal because its 2008. Well how wrong we are to think that. Since I started in February its a constant battle to work there. My co-worker has been working there for 13 years and is not only very popular in the center but also in the community he is very involved. He is a great guy but when people come in they ask for him and he is not there they won't let me help them. It's so frustrating! For instance this middle aged african-american women came in the other day looking for my co-worker, I told her he wasn't working that day. And then asked how I could help her. She simply replied nothing. She then turned around and asked the community service worker what he was doing "volunteer work" he replied. She proceeded to go on and on about how great it was that he was doing volunteer work. HE WASN'T DOING VOLUNTEER WORK HE GOT IN TROUBLE AND HAD TO DO COMMUNITY SERVICE BIG BIG DIFFERENCE!!!! She then asks him about the fitness room. But he tells her that she has to ask me because he doesn't work there. But she refuses to ask me!! I have been told straight forward before that I don't belong there I don't know what that neighborhood needs I don't know anything and I don't shouldn't be there. It's because I'm white. I hate to say it because I hate that it's true but it is so true! I don't understand why this is such a big deal. I have dealt with it alot this week with the Juneteenth Celebration this weekend and I just don't think it's fair! They demand the utmost respect from me but I don't get an ounce back.

I am NOT giving up I am fighting through this I will continue to be myself and to love on them and pray for them but I will NOT give into fear.

But I just don't understand why they act this way...why?

sitting in the waiting room of silence,waiting for that still soft voice I know...

2008-06-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

I started to read Job tonight...

You know its so easy for us to complain about things. "I have to work Friday night," " I am too hot", "I don't like broccoli", whatever it is we all complain. Everything that Job had was taken from him and still he praised the Lord. (Speaking of the first couple chapters that is).

I know when I complain to much...most times. Why does it seem to be so hard to humble yourself enough to just praise the Lord even when things aren't going your way. When I have a bad day I want to praise the Lord that I even had a day that could be bad. When I get stuck in traffic I want to praise the Lord that I have a car to be able to be stuck in traffic. When I not feeling well I want to praise the Lord for giving me a house to go home to and rest. When I feel all alone I want to praise the Lord for my roommates. I could go on and on but you get the point. It is so easy to complain and be ungrateful but we need to bring it back to being grateful. There are so many things in my life I am grateful for but when do I truly act like I am grateful for them? How many times a day do I thank God for the things I have and the people in my life? I can tell you this... it's not often enough.

Today was the first day of summer camp. I didn't get to be in there with the kids the whole day but when I did I was incredibly blessed by their sweet spirits. You can tell these kids just want someone to have fun with them, to pay attention to them, and to listen. I love that they have the opportunity to come and spend all summer with us and we can teach them so many things. I hope that I and my counselors can be patient and loving the whole summer.

Lord I know if I change my mind

You will change my heart in time

Sovereign Lord this time's from You

so I sit in the waiting room of silence

cause its all about You...

All I know is the bleeding in my heart, And the healing in your touch,All I know is that you gave everything, So let that be enough

2008-06-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

First I would like you all to know that I'm melting in my house!! I think our AC is broken!! This is not a good thing living in Texas. However, I am at great advantage because my dad worked AC/Heating for 30 years!!! He fixed our heat during the winter and hopefully he can make it up tomorrow to look at the AC!! This means we don't have to call in for work because the repair man said he would be there between 8-10am and it is now 3pm and he still is not there. This means we don't have to pay hundreds of dollars for a guy who shows up 5-6 hours late and all he did was press a button. I love my daddy!!!

Today has been a day of great contemplation. I know that everyone has those days where you really just don't like your job but I rarely do. Today was only half-way one of those days. I love what I do, I love that I am getting great experience....or am I? That's my problem. Am I getting great experience? Yeah, I have a job someone with a degree should have and it will look great on my resume but I feel like sometimes I am very mediocre at my job. I don't necessarily think this is my fault either. I think that I am good at what I do but I feel irritated to think that I am not being trained the way I should be. I am being told do this do that but not really being told how to do it. This can be a good thing, even a great thing but in some sense why do something when I will only be told to do it again. I haven't had any real problems, I haven't been told I am doing a bad job, or that in anyway I not doing what I am suppose to but that's just it... I don't know what point I am trying to make. But I think that what I am trying to say is... Am I where I should be when I graduate? I will take one of two paths when I graduate (so the plan is right now) 1. Continue at my job part time and go to grad school full time at UNT. OR 2. Work full time and attend grad school part time. Option on offers me to stay on my parents insurance which is awesome and I will be done in the alloted 2 years but option 2 offers for the city to pay for my school and I would have to been in school alot longer than 2 years to finish my masters. Both have positives and negatives. But here is something to throw in the mix... is UNT the best place for me to get my masters? UNT is definitely not known for their grad program but it will keep me close to home, by my church and friends, and I will have a guaranteed job. BUT there are so many other schools out there in the nation that are awesome schools that I would love to go to...but then I have to consider the fact that if I ever want back in Texas is will be so hard to get back in because in all honesty my networking would be elsewhere. Whereas if I did go to school and work in Texas it would be much easier to get a job. But I think those advantages and disadvantages are the same in every state. A &M has a grad program but I have no desire to go there. And there's Clemson in South Carolina....oh how great that would be...

Where's my answer??? PRAYER!!!

DUH! I just have to keep praying about it!! I know that but I just had to lay out all my options in front of me.

Well...early morning ahead of me....

good night and good luck

Can't take the kid from the fight, Take the fight from the kid

2008-06-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

It's 1am and my mind has been in circles all day. All weekend at that. There's so many decisions to be made and so many things to be done.

Grad School?

I am afraid to be mediocre at grad school which makes me all around not want to do it. Is that insane? I know overall I can kick ass at it because I am that kind of person that is determined to do well but at the same time I have seen what kind of people are in grad school and the brains and the ambition they have and I would just be one of them. I don't want to be part of the crowd, I want to stand out. I know that it is something I want to do I know that it will help not only my career but it will help me learn of the opportunities that are out there to provide better quality programs for the community. I know that I want to do it, I just have to take the leap.

I want more than anything lately to engage the community and love on them. Mostly the neighborhood I work in. I hope and pray that this summer I will be presented with those opportunities and are able to build relationships. I want to love on them and not because I am getting paid to do it but because I want to. I think this is a challenge that I will have to overcome. If while I am at work and I building these relationships they think I am doing it only because I am being paid to be there. This is not at all true. I want to know them, I want to know what their needs are, I want to love on them and be there for them and provide opportunities for them to become successful.

I am really excited to be a connector for Transform this year. For those of you who don't know what that is its a project our church does during the summer. We are in 3 locations throughout Dallas, Lewisville, and Denton. Together with the community we are going to work on construction at 3 schools. Everything that the school needs done we will be providing that service. This is awesome because its not only us going out into the community but it us engaging the community and showing them we aren't there to judge them but to love them and to serve them. So together side by side, church members, students, teachers, neighbors, parents, we will work and sweat and fight for our community. I pray that the Lord really blesses the projects and works in the hearts of everyone involved.

Some days you know when you have so many things to do and all you really want to do is pass out because you are to tired or just don't have the motivation, I hate fighting through those days but in the end when it is all done its oh so sweet.

They say that our sense of smell triggers our memory. I think for me sound does it more so than smell. It's a bitter-sweet feeling when you hear a song that you love but it makes you think of a time when things were good/bad. Things you may not want to remember. A time, a place, a person, a moment in history, that you just don't want to think about when you hear that song. But you can't just not listen. Making sense? It's like a bad accident, you don't want to see the horrific scene but you can't stop staring. You hear that song and you don't want to hear it your eyes start to swell but you just can't find the strength to pick up you hand and change the station.

Oh how bitter-sweet...

Till next time...Good Night, and Good Luck

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you.

2008-05-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

WHY is it that we long for adventure and beauty and for some like myself the great outdoors?

WHY is it that when we long for this it seems near impossible for these things to happen?

Summer is officially here. For me, this is the first summer in 3 years that I have not had to take summer school. So what do I do instead? Work full time. My parents response to this "welcome to adulthood" my response to them "I have been adult since I was 5 when is it my turn to have adventures?"

Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for all things I have had to go through in my life and I am thankful that I was able to take all the things that we thrown at me with great responsibility. However, I can't help but wish I got to be a "college kid". I wish that I could travel Europe, study abroad, only have to worry about my grades and not bills, able to just run off to a different state for the summer, all those things that come with a life of adventure and unpredictability.

I use to think of myself as a very laid back person someone that had a go with the flow kind of attitude. Lately? not so much. I mean I am still pretty laid back with a touch of ADD, but I am an extremely goal oriented, driven person. I don't think these are bad qualities at all but I do think that this has caused me to think more responsible and less at the edge of your seat. Make sense? I like things planned. There I said it. I swore I would never be the person that preferred when things we planned but it's who I am I admit it! I don't like not having things planned ahead of time and I hate being late! But just the opposite I want to be surprised, I want to be swept away for a romantic weekend, I want the guy that is going to have the date planned out completely but not tell me a thing. I am great at thinking on my toes and coming up with a contingency plan for whatever might go wrong, its what I do, its in my blood. I am not apologizing for who I am nor am I upset about who I am but I sometimes wish there wasn't so much responsibility.

I love my job. I love what I do. I wish though for better communication at my job, I wish that my superiors would let me have more leeway on what I plan. I have been presented with many opportunities to have amazing people come in and do some awesome work that really would help the neighborhood alot but I constantly hit brick walls. I wish they understood why I care so much. I wished they realized what a huge impact they can have by doing such a small thing. My heart aches for the people in the neighborhood I work in and I want to love on them I want to care for them but their hearts are so closed off and almost fearful to let anyone in. I hate it. I pray that the city will give me the funding for the things I want to provide. I pray that the programs I run will be incredibly successful so that they can help fund free programs for the community. I pray that I can make a difference even in one life. Lately, I have had the opportunity to hang out with two kids that I love to death. One who is always borrowing a pencil from me and then has me help him on his homework, only because he needs the encouragement to do what he knows how to do. The other one is this girl who I have been able to see so many sides of. I have seen her almost beat the crap out of another girl for giving her a bad look, and I have seen her lend me a helping hand just because. I love that I have been able to spend time with her and get to know her just because I want to. Today I walked in the door and she ran up to me and gave me a hug. I wanted to melt! I am scared for these kids. I am scared that they will never allow themselves to have better than what they have now. They deserve so much better.

I suppose I have ranted enough tonight.

Good night and Good luck.

Welcome to my thoughts....

2008-05-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

I thought that I would join the fun...

Went home this weekend...I love home... you know when you have been away for a while and you are driving into your hometown you are over come with a sense of relief and comfort? I love that feeling.

Life is funny. It's funny to me how when you are going through something...anything...God smacks you in the face with a reality... expectations for an example... you can't have expectations for anyone, whether they are the littlest of expectations or large... you will always be disappointed in them and that's not fair. This is something I have to remind myself of quite a bit lately.

Well for those of you who are reading this... I will get better at this blogging thing... but until then...peace out!